5 years ago yesterday

I married my best friend. I can't believe how amazing these last 5 years have been. Yes, he gets on my nerves on a regular basis. but you know, he wouldn't be him if he didn't. I love him for that. I love him for his generousity and heart. He is a wonderful husband and an even better father. I love seeing him react with the boys. They love him so much, he loves them even more.

Of course we all go through tough times, but that is what keeps the glue strong. Marriage is by far not an easy thing. It has ups and downs. But whatever happens, I know we can make it for the next 5 years, well hell the next 10 years. I hope that we are still as strong then as we are now.

My husband, my love. You are my everything, thank you for giving me the life I have now. Thank you for the children we've made. They are more precious than anything that could have been bought.

Why?

My faith in you in hanging by a thread. Why have you done this to so many great women? Women who don't deserve to lose a child that should have been in their arms. That should have continuted in the womb for another 5 months. My heart aches. It has shattered into 10 million pieces for the sorrow that I feel for them. No woman should have to suffer the lose of a child. Even if that child was still in womb.

In the past month there has been so much heart ache, so much tragedy. I just don't know how to explain it. I don't know if the faith I have lost in you will ever be recoverable. I hope I don't have to see this for a long time again. If at all again.

Tale of the rings

Once upon a time, many many months ago, L had taken her weddings rings off. Because her fingers were growing steadily to the size of sausages, soaked for 3 days. So she put them in a safe place, where she was sure she wouldn't forget where they were.

Fast forward to about a month ago, where she started wondering, hey I haven't seen my wedding rings for a while. So she starts thinking of the last place she saw them, on the kitchen counter. Where it is no where to be seen. So she starts searching frantically. Thinking she threw them away. The trashcan is the first place she looks. Nothing!, then the closets. Still nothing. Now disappointed that she lost her wedding rings, she feels like an ass for losing something worth a small fortune. Failure sets in.

Fast forward to present day. L goes on a mini shopping spree, where she gets an awesome deal on a new wallet and some completely awesome new sunglasses. When L gets home, she decides to clean out her old wallet, and fill up the new one with all her prized possessions. Well, she goes about doing her business. Get everything cleaned out of the old wallet and remember, this wallet has a change zipper, better check it! Well to L's surprise, she opens this magical change pocket, and ta da, there are her weddings rings.

Moral, don't put your rings in stupid places, like the change zipper of your wallet! Especially while pregnant!

Dad and his boys

Watching You lyrics
Driving through town just my boy and me
With a happy meal in his booster seat
Knowing that he couldn't have the toy
Till his nuggets were gone
Green traffic light turned straight to red
I hit my breaks and mumbled under my breath
His fries went a flying and his orange drink covered his lap
Well then my four year old said a four letter word
That started with "s" and I was concerned
So I said son now where did you learn to talk like that
[Chorus one]
He said I've been watching you dad, ain't that cool
I'm your buckaroo,
I wanna be like you
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are
We got cowboy boots and camo pants
Yeah we're just alike, hey ain't we dad
I wanna do everything you do
So I've been watching you

We got back home and I went to the barn
I bowed my head and I prayed real hard
Said lord please help me help my stupid self
Then this side of bedtime later that night
Turning on my son's scooby doo nightlight
He crawled out of bed and he got down on his knees
He closed his little eyes, folded his little hands
And spoke to god like he was talking to a friend
And I said son now where'd you learn to pray like that
[Chorus two]
He said I've been watching you dad, ain't that cool
I'm your buckaroo, I wanna be like you
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are
We like fixing things and holding mama's hand
Yeah we're just alike, hey ain't we dad
I wanna do everything you do
So I've been watching you
[Bridge]
With tears in my eyes I wrapped him in a hug
Said my little bear is growing up
He said but when I'm big I'll still know what to do
[Chorus three]
Cause I've been watching you dad, ain't that cool
I'm your buckaroo, I wanna be like you
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are
By then I'll be as strong as superman
We'll be just alike, hey won't we dad
When I can do everything you do
Cause I've been watching you

This song reminds me of them everyday. Josh loves the boys so much. He's such a good dad. I couldn't ask for anything more than that. He plays with them. Helps me changed diapers and even gets up for midnight feedings and lets me sleep. Which I appreciate more than anything. I am thankful that he does get up and help, because I know a lot of women aren't as fortunate as I am and their husbands don't get up to help.

Be thankful for what you have, and who you've got in your life. They won't be there forever.

The last 3 years

They have been, well, amazing. I love my Wyatt so much. I can't imagine life without him. We had a rough start, but all is well now. I am so glad that he recovered from his birth. It wasn't that great. He was born with an issue with his epiglotus. Where he couldn't breathe very well. Thankfully it turned around in just under a week and he came home after 6 days in the NICU. But now he's a very very energetic 3 year old. He is growing by leaps and bounds. My 3 year old looks like he just turned 4 or 5 years old. He's huge. Weighs at least 40lbs and is at lest 39-40inches tall. We get comments on how big he is all the time. People don't realize that he's only 3. But that's ok. I love him anyways.

I miss friends

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Lindsey, who had a ton of friends. Then she became a hermit and her friends disappeared....

I don't know what has happened over the last 7-8 years. But I really don't have any good close friends anymore. I hate it. I don't have any girlfriends to go out with, just have fun with. I am so sad that I don't have this conenction with anyone. All the people I know aren't on the same page as me. They are married, but don't have kids. Or are too busy to get together.

I miss having someone to spend time with other than my husband. Sometimes I count on this for my own sanity. I need it, sometimes I crave it. But there's nothing I can do because I don't even know where to start. I don't know where to find friends. I have lived in this place for almost 8 years. I still don't know a lot of people. But what can I do? Try. But where to start is my biggest issue at hand.

My heart breaks for an internet stranger

The message board I frequent is tragic this morning. As we all find out that she, the internet stranger, gave birth to her daughter on Friday, July 31st. At the young age of 22weeks gestation. The poor baby didn't have a chance as a baby can't live outside the womb before 24 weeks. My heart breaks, I sat there in tears reading the update we all waited so patiently for. It wasn't the one we were hoping to read, actually the one we all feared. We hadn't heard from her in over a week. Last we knew she'd been admitted to Labor and Delivery. Her daughter passed away after just an hour of life. God I feel so terrible for them. I can't even describe it. There are no words to express what I feel for them.

Just know that she will stay in my thoughts, I hope that she and her husband heal well. It is going to be a long journey ahead for both of them.