Dear Daddy

Almost 11 years ago, your life was taken away in an instant. Who's fault was it, nobody but yours! You made the decisions to drink and do drugs. In fact, you made those decisions over raising your children. How could you let them overcome you the way you did? How could you have been so selfish to let this happen? I understand that addiction is a powerful thing, but you made the choice to try it, to become addicted. It's nobodies fault but yours!


Yes, I miss you and love you, but will I ever forgive you for stealing you away from me, probably not. Maybe years down the road I finally have a little bit of closure. But not right now. Even though you've been gone for over a decade. You have missed out on so much in my life, in our lives. Seeing me graduate from high school, walk me down the aisle when I got married. Most of all you stole the chance to get to know you away from your grandsons.

It breaks my heart to know and realize that they won't have a chance to know you, that you will miss out on everything important in their lives. Because you were selfish.

It breaks my heart that I don't have any fond memories of you, because you were always consumed in something more important than me. Or my brother. I wish we could do it over again, that I could have the father I always wanted. I often wonder how life would have been if you'd been here 100% of the time. Would I be different? Would I be the same? Where would I be in my life. I don't know. One thing I can say that I am grateful for it the fact that because you were selfish, I have my husband and my sons. They are my world, my shining light, they are the reason I get out of bed every morning. Thanks to you, I have the life I hoped I would have as a teenager. One with love and security, one that I don't have to worry in. Because with you, I always worried, would I have a meal that day? Or would we be homeless the next week? Would I end up in foster care? I know it came amazingly close to foster care, a couple of times.

I know that thankfully, we had family close that was paying attention, and got Jeremy and I out of a bad situation about to get worse. Thankfully they called the right people, just shortly after that we were whisked away to live with mom, where the situation got better, but not fantastic.

If I had the chance to see you again, I would want all my questions answered, truthfully. But as I know that will not happen. I guess I am left wondering for the rest of my life, what would have been?