Aaaalllll Aboard! Pity Train, Party of 1

These next couple of weeks are a very emotional time for me, every year, since I was 14 years old. I will post another blog when the time is right, and explain.

I don't know what to think, what to say, merely what to do. I am lost in a sea of confusion. There's things that I need, want, but know won't be coming my way in the near future.
Sometimes it's just not fair, I know that I just have to deal.
I don't want to go back to work at the end of next month. I want to stay home with Wyatt and Caleb. But that just isn't feasible. I know this in my head, but not in my heart. It would put a huge financial strain on us, which we just can't do right now. I have health and dental benefits throuh my job, which are A-Mazing. Plus, our cell phones are uber cheap. If I quit, I would lose all of this. Which is not smart, actually is pretty stupid. So i know I will be going back to work based solely on this reason alone.

Pooh, I'll get over it, eventually. Thanks for reading my nonsense

the last 3 weeks

Well they've been kind of a whirl wind. There's been a lot of family drama. Drama that I never intended to get in the middle of. But it happened. It's pretty much over, but still looming in the air. Thankfully the grunt of it is over. But oh well, shit happens. Everyone will get over it. I don't want to mention the goings on of our drama just in case someone finds my blog that isn't suppose to. That is that.

Caleb, my sweet little, tiny, perfect baby, has turned 11 weeks old. I love him so much. He's my all, my shinig light. Wyatt, who everday, is growing up way to quickly. His grammar and vocabulary improves on an hourly basis. He is my sunshine. Sometimes he is the toddler that throws a tantrum. But he is my love. I am grateful for him, for having my boys. I love them with all my being and don't know where i'd be without either of them.

But there's my mush for the week.

Gone huntin

Tomorrow morning, Josh, Wyatt Caleb and I are all headed on a 3 hour road trip to go to Post, Oregon. Where we will be huntin' for Thundereggs. It should be a fun filled day. Wyatt is such a boy and loves doing these kinds of things, especially getting dirty. I am excited as I have never went thunderegg hunting before. Is it sad that I had to google a thunderegg to see what they even look like?

I will post pictures tomorrow upon our return home. Wish us luck!

5 years ago yesterday

I married my best friend. I can't believe how amazing these last 5 years have been. Yes, he gets on my nerves on a regular basis. but you know, he wouldn't be him if he didn't. I love him for that. I love him for his generousity and heart. He is a wonderful husband and an even better father. I love seeing him react with the boys. They love him so much, he loves them even more.

Of course we all go through tough times, but that is what keeps the glue strong. Marriage is by far not an easy thing. It has ups and downs. But whatever happens, I know we can make it for the next 5 years, well hell the next 10 years. I hope that we are still as strong then as we are now.

My husband, my love. You are my everything, thank you for giving me the life I have now. Thank you for the children we've made. They are more precious than anything that could have been bought.

Why?

My faith in you in hanging by a thread. Why have you done this to so many great women? Women who don't deserve to lose a child that should have been in their arms. That should have continuted in the womb for another 5 months. My heart aches. It has shattered into 10 million pieces for the sorrow that I feel for them. No woman should have to suffer the lose of a child. Even if that child was still in womb.

In the past month there has been so much heart ache, so much tragedy. I just don't know how to explain it. I don't know if the faith I have lost in you will ever be recoverable. I hope I don't have to see this for a long time again. If at all again.

Tale of the rings

Once upon a time, many many months ago, L had taken her weddings rings off. Because her fingers were growing steadily to the size of sausages, soaked for 3 days. So she put them in a safe place, where she was sure she wouldn't forget where they were.

Fast forward to about a month ago, where she started wondering, hey I haven't seen my wedding rings for a while. So she starts thinking of the last place she saw them, on the kitchen counter. Where it is no where to be seen. So she starts searching frantically. Thinking she threw them away. The trashcan is the first place she looks. Nothing!, then the closets. Still nothing. Now disappointed that she lost her wedding rings, she feels like an ass for losing something worth a small fortune. Failure sets in.

Fast forward to present day. L goes on a mini shopping spree, where she gets an awesome deal on a new wallet and some completely awesome new sunglasses. When L gets home, she decides to clean out her old wallet, and fill up the new one with all her prized possessions. Well, she goes about doing her business. Get everything cleaned out of the old wallet and remember, this wallet has a change zipper, better check it! Well to L's surprise, she opens this magical change pocket, and ta da, there are her weddings rings.

Moral, don't put your rings in stupid places, like the change zipper of your wallet! Especially while pregnant!

Dad and his boys

Watching You lyrics
Driving through town just my boy and me
With a happy meal in his booster seat
Knowing that he couldn't have the toy
Till his nuggets were gone
Green traffic light turned straight to red
I hit my breaks and mumbled under my breath
His fries went a flying and his orange drink covered his lap
Well then my four year old said a four letter word
That started with "s" and I was concerned
So I said son now where did you learn to talk like that
[Chorus one]
He said I've been watching you dad, ain't that cool
I'm your buckaroo,
I wanna be like you
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are
We got cowboy boots and camo pants
Yeah we're just alike, hey ain't we dad
I wanna do everything you do
So I've been watching you

We got back home and I went to the barn
I bowed my head and I prayed real hard
Said lord please help me help my stupid self
Then this side of bedtime later that night
Turning on my son's scooby doo nightlight
He crawled out of bed and he got down on his knees
He closed his little eyes, folded his little hands
And spoke to god like he was talking to a friend
And I said son now where'd you learn to pray like that
[Chorus two]
He said I've been watching you dad, ain't that cool
I'm your buckaroo, I wanna be like you
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are
We like fixing things and holding mama's hand
Yeah we're just alike, hey ain't we dad
I wanna do everything you do
So I've been watching you
[Bridge]
With tears in my eyes I wrapped him in a hug
Said my little bear is growing up
He said but when I'm big I'll still know what to do
[Chorus three]
Cause I've been watching you dad, ain't that cool
I'm your buckaroo, I wanna be like you
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are
By then I'll be as strong as superman
We'll be just alike, hey won't we dad
When I can do everything you do
Cause I've been watching you

This song reminds me of them everyday. Josh loves the boys so much. He's such a good dad. I couldn't ask for anything more than that. He plays with them. Helps me changed diapers and even gets up for midnight feedings and lets me sleep. Which I appreciate more than anything. I am thankful that he does get up and help, because I know a lot of women aren't as fortunate as I am and their husbands don't get up to help.

Be thankful for what you have, and who you've got in your life. They won't be there forever.