Dear Daddy

Almost 11 years ago, your life was taken away in an instant. Who's fault was it, nobody but yours! You made the decisions to drink and do drugs. In fact, you made those decisions over raising your children. How could you let them overcome you the way you did? How could you have been so selfish to let this happen? I understand that addiction is a powerful thing, but you made the choice to try it, to become addicted. It's nobodies fault but yours!


Yes, I miss you and love you, but will I ever forgive you for stealing you away from me, probably not. Maybe years down the road I finally have a little bit of closure. But not right now. Even though you've been gone for over a decade. You have missed out on so much in my life, in our lives. Seeing me graduate from high school, walk me down the aisle when I got married. Most of all you stole the chance to get to know you away from your grandsons.

It breaks my heart to know and realize that they won't have a chance to know you, that you will miss out on everything important in their lives. Because you were selfish.

It breaks my heart that I don't have any fond memories of you, because you were always consumed in something more important than me. Or my brother. I wish we could do it over again, that I could have the father I always wanted. I often wonder how life would have been if you'd been here 100% of the time. Would I be different? Would I be the same? Where would I be in my life. I don't know. One thing I can say that I am grateful for it the fact that because you were selfish, I have my husband and my sons. They are my world, my shining light, they are the reason I get out of bed every morning. Thanks to you, I have the life I hoped I would have as a teenager. One with love and security, one that I don't have to worry in. Because with you, I always worried, would I have a meal that day? Or would we be homeless the next week? Would I end up in foster care? I know it came amazingly close to foster care, a couple of times.

I know that thankfully, we had family close that was paying attention, and got Jeremy and I out of a bad situation about to get worse. Thankfully they called the right people, just shortly after that we were whisked away to live with mom, where the situation got better, but not fantastic.

If I had the chance to see you again, I would want all my questions answered, truthfully. But as I know that will not happen. I guess I am left wondering for the rest of my life, what would have been?

Aaaalllll Aboard! Pity Train, Party of 1

These next couple of weeks are a very emotional time for me, every year, since I was 14 years old. I will post another blog when the time is right, and explain.

I don't know what to think, what to say, merely what to do. I am lost in a sea of confusion. There's things that I need, want, but know won't be coming my way in the near future.
Sometimes it's just not fair, I know that I just have to deal.
I don't want to go back to work at the end of next month. I want to stay home with Wyatt and Caleb. But that just isn't feasible. I know this in my head, but not in my heart. It would put a huge financial strain on us, which we just can't do right now. I have health and dental benefits throuh my job, which are A-Mazing. Plus, our cell phones are uber cheap. If I quit, I would lose all of this. Which is not smart, actually is pretty stupid. So i know I will be going back to work based solely on this reason alone.

Pooh, I'll get over it, eventually. Thanks for reading my nonsense

the last 3 weeks

Well they've been kind of a whirl wind. There's been a lot of family drama. Drama that I never intended to get in the middle of. But it happened. It's pretty much over, but still looming in the air. Thankfully the grunt of it is over. But oh well, shit happens. Everyone will get over it. I don't want to mention the goings on of our drama just in case someone finds my blog that isn't suppose to. That is that.

Caleb, my sweet little, tiny, perfect baby, has turned 11 weeks old. I love him so much. He's my all, my shinig light. Wyatt, who everday, is growing up way to quickly. His grammar and vocabulary improves on an hourly basis. He is my sunshine. Sometimes he is the toddler that throws a tantrum. But he is my love. I am grateful for him, for having my boys. I love them with all my being and don't know where i'd be without either of them.

But there's my mush for the week.

Gone huntin

Tomorrow morning, Josh, Wyatt Caleb and I are all headed on a 3 hour road trip to go to Post, Oregon. Where we will be huntin' for Thundereggs. It should be a fun filled day. Wyatt is such a boy and loves doing these kinds of things, especially getting dirty. I am excited as I have never went thunderegg hunting before. Is it sad that I had to google a thunderegg to see what they even look like?

I will post pictures tomorrow upon our return home. Wish us luck!

5 years ago yesterday

I married my best friend. I can't believe how amazing these last 5 years have been. Yes, he gets on my nerves on a regular basis. but you know, he wouldn't be him if he didn't. I love him for that. I love him for his generousity and heart. He is a wonderful husband and an even better father. I love seeing him react with the boys. They love him so much, he loves them even more.

Of course we all go through tough times, but that is what keeps the glue strong. Marriage is by far not an easy thing. It has ups and downs. But whatever happens, I know we can make it for the next 5 years, well hell the next 10 years. I hope that we are still as strong then as we are now.

My husband, my love. You are my everything, thank you for giving me the life I have now. Thank you for the children we've made. They are more precious than anything that could have been bought.

Why?

My faith in you in hanging by a thread. Why have you done this to so many great women? Women who don't deserve to lose a child that should have been in their arms. That should have continuted in the womb for another 5 months. My heart aches. It has shattered into 10 million pieces for the sorrow that I feel for them. No woman should have to suffer the lose of a child. Even if that child was still in womb.

In the past month there has been so much heart ache, so much tragedy. I just don't know how to explain it. I don't know if the faith I have lost in you will ever be recoverable. I hope I don't have to see this for a long time again. If at all again.

Tale of the rings

Once upon a time, many many months ago, L had taken her weddings rings off. Because her fingers were growing steadily to the size of sausages, soaked for 3 days. So she put them in a safe place, where she was sure she wouldn't forget where they were.

Fast forward to about a month ago, where she started wondering, hey I haven't seen my wedding rings for a while. So she starts thinking of the last place she saw them, on the kitchen counter. Where it is no where to be seen. So she starts searching frantically. Thinking she threw them away. The trashcan is the first place she looks. Nothing!, then the closets. Still nothing. Now disappointed that she lost her wedding rings, she feels like an ass for losing something worth a small fortune. Failure sets in.

Fast forward to present day. L goes on a mini shopping spree, where she gets an awesome deal on a new wallet and some completely awesome new sunglasses. When L gets home, she decides to clean out her old wallet, and fill up the new one with all her prized possessions. Well, she goes about doing her business. Get everything cleaned out of the old wallet and remember, this wallet has a change zipper, better check it! Well to L's surprise, she opens this magical change pocket, and ta da, there are her weddings rings.

Moral, don't put your rings in stupid places, like the change zipper of your wallet! Especially while pregnant!